VeryFunny – Pregnant / Baby Jokes (Your Ego is Prego, LOL!)

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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”

The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.

“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

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A pregnant lady was in an accident and she woke up in the hospital. She noticed she was not pregnant anymore and asked the nurse what happened to her baby.

The nurse said, “You have two healthy babies, a boy and a girl!” The lady said, “Oh, I must name them,”  but the nurse said, “You were unconscious, so we called your brother, and he named them!”

The lady said, “But he’s as dumb as a box of rocks! So what are their names?”

The nurse said, “The girl is called “Denise.” The woman replied, “Well that is a pretty name, so what did he name my boy?”

The nurse replied, “Denephew!”

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A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told them that they’d developed a new machine and asked if the couple would like to try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother’s burden.

Well, they thought that was a good idea, and decided to give it a try. The doctor initially set the machine on 10 percent, telling the man that even 10 percent was probably more pain than he’d ever experienced. But the husband was surprised at how little pain he was feeling, and asked the doctor to raise the level.

The doctor increased it to 20 percent, and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50 and finally 100 percent.

After it was all over, the man stood up, and stretched a little. Both he and his wife felt fine, and they shortly left the hospital to take the baby home.

It was then that they found the mailman dead on their doorstep.

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A woman went to the doctor’s office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

“Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it?”

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, “Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

“Yes?” replied the teacher.

“Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”

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Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you if its still okay…” “I know, I know.” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” “No, that’s not it at all,” Brenda confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”

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An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.

“Ah, so sad,” says the European. “Your wife, she is impregnable?” “Well, um, that’s not exactly the word,” says the American. “Oh!” interrupts the European. “I mean, she is inconceivable?” “Um, not quite –” the American begins, only to be interrupted again. “Oh, no, that isn’t right,” says the European. “She is, what is it, she is unbearable?” “Well, actually, that’s pretty much sums it up,” says the American.

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Pregnancy and Birth  – F.A.Q.

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers or briefs ?
A: You’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all

Q: What do you call a pregnancy that begins while using birth control ?
A: A misconception

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant ?
A: Have sex just once a year

Q: What is a chastity belt ?
A: A labor-saving device

Q: When does a woman’s biological clock start ticking ?
A: Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, “On my God, crow’s feet !”

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving ?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex ?
A: Childbirth

Q: Should I have a baby after 35 ?
A. No, 35 children is way too many already

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move ?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu ?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better

Q: Does pregnancy affect a woman’s memory ?
A: Most of the ladies I asked don’t remember

Q: My breasts, rear end & even my feet have grown.  Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy ?
A: Yes, your bladder

Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I haven’t been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving ?
A: Depends on what your doing with them

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why ?
A: Cause you’re fatter then they are,

Q: My wife is 5 months pregnant and so moody that she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question ?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor ?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman

Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold ?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him

Q: What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy ?
A: Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder

Q: What are forceps ?
A: Giant baby tweezers

Q: What’s the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman ?
A: Brute force

Q: How do I know if my baby has dropped ?
A: He/She will start crying. Be more careful !

Q: How long is the average woman in labor ?
A: Whatever she says, divided by two

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right ?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural ?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant

Q: Is there a reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor ?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” is a concern for you

Q: I’m modest. Once I start to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position ?
A: Authorized hospital personnel only — doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning ?
A: It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it’s way out of you

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth ?
A: Yes, pregnancy

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids ?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for

Q: When should a baby not be circumcised ?
A: When it’s a girl.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk ?
A: In your breasts

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps ?
A: Yes, baby lips

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth ?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing ?
A: When you see teeth marks

Q: What is the grasp reflex ?
A: The reaction of new father’s when he sees new mother’s breasts.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing ?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: What happens to disposable diapers after they’re thrown away ?
A: They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in case of global chemical warfare.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower ?
A: Not if your change the baby’s diaper very quickly

Q: What causes baby blues ?
A: Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos

Q: What is colic ?
A: A reminder for new parents to use birth control

Q: What are night terrors ?
A: Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she’s pregnant again

Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they ?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy

Q: Will I love my dog less when the baby is born ?
A: No, but your husband will most likely get on your nerves

Q: What are the terrible twos ?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to act normal ?
A: Possibly when the kids are in college

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